(2021 Year-End) 19, Finding Myself Again: Passion, Courage, and Gratitude

May there be enough clouds in your life to make a beautiful sunset.

https://music.163.com/#/song?id=32069952

👆 Entorevolution, my favorite song when I was younger. I haven’t listened to it in a long time, but recently I started again.

Clouds

Back in 2017, at 15, I used this sentence as my NetEase Cloud Music signature. It’s still there today.

My life has been just like that line. After that, my life was full of clouds, and they nearly crushed me.

In 2017, when I just entered high school, I decided to become someone who radiates sunshine—warm like the sun, full of passion—and I truly moved toward that goal. But I didn’t expect that later in life, dark hands would grab me again and again, pulling me in the opposite direction. At the time I was just an ordinary high schooler with a narrow view, naturally believing that everything in school was all of life. Pressure from life and suppression from forces I couldn’t resist crushed me. I thought I was finished.

A friend said, “You’ve been in a really bad state lately. Maybe go see a doctor.”

I became colder and sharper. Back then I believed that only by living in a constant stress response could I face reality.

After that came the blank years of my life. During that time, I stopped progressing and gave up thinking.

Light, Coming In

👆 Blue sky and white clouds photographed through the classroom window. The view feels like we’re in a cage, yet we can clearly see a beautiful sky.

Having lost all interest in life, I turned to literature. The line “Heaven gave me talents for a reason; a thousand gold spent will return” became my greatest comfort. Books are like medicine; though they didn’t cure my foolishness, they saved me.

Later I also read popular science books, which taught me a lot.

Literature made me braver.

And of course, the company of family and friends carried my heavy body and mind forward step by step.

Everyone longs for the sun, but at that moment you were a black hole devouring everything. Yet some people, unafraid, dared to approach you and share their light with you. Aren’t those true friends? In those blank years I made many of the best friends of my life, and also understood the importance of family.

After those blank years, I arrived at this year.

Reflection

👆 The view outside the dorm window on my first day at university, hinting at my hesitation and contemplation in life.

What kind of person do I want to become?

Optimistic: Heaven gave me talents for a reason; a thousand gold spent will return.

Love everything: Love a person, including her flaws. Love a career, including the hardships it brings. Anxiety: Is Life Really as They Say - Lu Benwei (nexmoe.com)

Steadfast: Eraser - Lu Benwei (nexmoe.com)

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma—living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. Most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. — STEVE JOBS

Brave: Who’s afraid? A bamboo raincoat for a lifetime. Sorry, I Gave Up - Lu Benwei (nexmoe.com)

👆 The subtitle of the blog “Lu Benwei.”

Romantic: The world won’t satisfy people, so they decide to change it through their own actions. — Lenin

No matter what disaster comes, as long as life remains, life must go on. — Life Is Beautiful

👆 The final scene of Life Is Beautiful

Seeking

Constant reflection made me realize how far I had drifted from my original intention, and how far I was from what I once pursued.

I decided to find myself again. On February 15 of this year, I decided to start my new journey.

Finding Myself Again

To answer the earlier part: I’m almost there! Over this year, as I set goals and worked toward them step by step, I evolved—maybe you could say my suppressed nature was released. I’m almost there.

I finally found my lost self. I started to love everything again.

My friends said:

“Your eyes are shining again.”

“I’m so happy for you!”

“Ha, I’m happy to see you recognized too.”

“Good!”

“Really great.”

Gratitude

All encounters in this world are reunions after long separations. / Everything is the best arrangement.

Thanks to my parents and friends for their support and companionship. My parents gave me a great deal of trust and the courage to explore. They weren’t like authoritarian families that constrain their kids. In my darkest moments, my parents gave me the greatest support, giving me hope and determination to break through it all. Thanks to my friends for their company; the light they shared kept me from being fully blocked by the clouds on my path, and kept me from despairing over everything.

Thanks to my past self for not giving up. My self who felt like I’d walked through hell now feels that nothing can defeat me. Thanks to my younger self for finally summoning the courage to recover so quickly. Thanks to myself for always yearning for the light and for always staying true to myself.

Thanks to the darkness in high school. It made me less afraid of many things. It made me realize how cowardly I used to be—afraid of everything, afraid of loss, afraid of failure, afraid of outcomes. It was this darkness that gave me the courage of a do-or-die resolve.

Thanks to the computer major transfer rejecting me. It pushed my still-hesitant self to summon courage, make a decision, and embark on a tougher journey.

To hell with looking back and forth. I don’t want any other road. I’ll only walk this one, even if I end up shattered. I used to always look for retreat routes, thinking there would be a way if I failed, as long as I was alive there was hope. But those retreats weren’t the path I wanted most.

I won’t keep giving up on myself. I’ll just walk my own road; what do other things have to do with me? All these years, I’ve walked through others’ misunderstanding. What’s a few more years? I believe I’ll reach that moment of light at the end of the tunnel. — Sorry, I Gave Up - Lu Benwei (nexmoe.com)

It’s because of all these things worth thanking that I am who I am now.

👆 East Lake and Yellow Crane Tower

Hope

I hope in the new year I can keep up with your pace, and that by this time next year you’ll still be willing to read my year-end post. I also hope next year, like this year, is full of expectation.

Friends’ Year-End Posts

2021 Year-End Summary - Decluttering and Principles (notion.site)